Grumptitude

Bloody hell.  Even I'VE got on my own nerves just lately and my extreme grumptitude and twitchiness culminated yesterday in 2 separate people buying me presents in an attempt to appease me!  My pal Bison, when he heard, likened the situation to primitive tribes people making offerings to an angry deity!  How rude!  He then went on to wonder why they don't seem to appreciate that I'm some sort of PRINCESS!  Again, HOW RUDE!  Just 'cause I demanded he make me a crown for Christmas.  I have a vision of me wearing it when I perform stand up.  Of course, I wouldn't make reference to the fact I'm wearing a crown 'cause it would be the most natural thing in the world for me.

I guess you will be wanting to hear about my appalling behaviour now.

This isn't an appalling bit but a couple of days ago I had to visit a family at home.  A nice family in fact, but as I got up to leave their 12 year old son sort of launched himself and flung his arms around my waist, giving me a gigantic hug!  Well, I have a fear of being touched at the best of times and this situation made me turn proper mental.  I made a sort of forced high pitched laugh and at speed said

"Oooh, I don't get hugged very often.  Never in fact.  Actually, I'm more likely to be found diving out of the way as people drive at me at high speed!"

What the hell was I talking about?  For.God.Sake! 

...that hasn't happened for AGES now.

I then sort of stumbled out of the house, still giggling in a weird forced, high pitched manner, got into my car and nearly crashed.  See?  I've gone wrong - someone only has to be nice to me for a split second and I turn into bumbling idiot!

The next day I was in a near fatal, terrible car accident.  Before I tell you about that I have to share my worries about ants.  Consider the ant.  When one comes into your house or something and you let it out somewhere else, does it find it's way home or does it try to move in with new ants.  If I transported an ant to another town and released him what would happen? Where would he live?  Do they have their own hollows within their colony or do they just curl up together?  Would they know he was an out of towner and shun him or would they sort of say hi (in ant language).  I dunno, I just worry.

So yeah, the car accident.  It was a weird one.  The car was covered in frost and I just sort of leaned in and put the key in the ignition to get the de-frost thingie going.  Unfortunately it shot to life and hit the wall, still making a high pitched revving sound and dragging the front of the car along the house.  SHIT!  I only had one bum cheek in the car at this point so I quickly got in and turned the steering wheel away from the house but then it shot forward, hit a stone post, sped across the pavement and into the main road.  As the car was still totally iced over I could see nothing as I sat trying to regain control over the runaway vehicle.  I have an outstanding memory of being in a beautiful white cave but traveling at high speed whilst trying to stop.  Eventually I did stop it, half in the road and half on the pavement.  When I exited the car I saw a woman with a car full of children with her eyes on stalks sort of stalled in the middle of the road.  I'm bloody lucky I tell you.  Kids pass my house to go to school - didn't hit one of them or any other pedestrian, I missed the woman in her car, the row of parked cars on the other side of the road, the HOUSE on the other side of the road and a large street sign.  Furthermore, I didn't get to put my seat belt on and could have gone through the windscreen.  Bloody hell!

I still don't know what happened.  I never leave my car in gear and I'd have had to have my foot on the accelerator.  All I can assume is that it wasn't fully out of gear and popped back in and that as I wasn't sitting in the seat properly I perhaps did press the accelerator.  That or else the car is possessed.  My last car was possessed and it eventually tried to kill me in a fiery ball. 

As for the grumpiness, yeah, I've been grumpy, twitchy and confrontational.  So confrontational in fact that one of my work colleagues bought me a Hello Kitty toy after I had turned my grumptitude on her yesterday.  I actually called my housemate (the Tidness Nazi) to warn her that I was pretty much evil.  She promptly went out and bought me some baby gerbils!  She knows I love and miss having little gerbs around.  They cheered me up no end.

Today I was less grumpy, more twitchy and I ended up throwing myself to the floor a number of times and lying there pretending to be dead.  My colleagues declined my request to draw a chalk mark around me.  I eventually got back up and pulled my dress up over my head in an act of disrespect and defiance.  Between you and me, I even mooned at some of them when I felt they were being mean and un-supportive.  I can see that this isn't proper behaviour for a lovely lady like me but when I'm twitchy I can't control myself. Y'know, I don't think I can be trusted to wear a dress....

Too much thinking

I've been really twitchy today. Weirdly twitchy in the kind of way I felt a bit like I wanted to shout out random abusive words or jump high into the air and kick like a Ninja (in my mind I'd have looked like a Ninja. In reality I'd have looked a complete dick). I did ease some of the pressure by calling my sort of 'mental health twin' work colleague a motherfucker, a wanker and a moron. Don't worry, she appreciated it and we laughed heartily as we abused each other in the office. I seem to recall being called a tosser, a twat and an arsehole.

At lunch time I went upstairs to the staff room and ended up laughing loudly in the face of another work colleague who had been sitting there quietly eating an orange. I, in fact, could not stop laughing for a while when I realised I'd walked into a previously quiet room in minor hysterics and had therefore shocked a colleague. If you can't shock a colleague every day then I don't know WHAT you can do! I felt I had to offer her some sort of explanation as I then became, through my tears of laughter, paranoid that SHE would be paranoid that I was laughing at her. The thing is, as I'd run up the stairs I'd got the handle of a spoon in my mouth (yeah, well....I could have just held the spoon but I've got a life to lead and it was all too much effort to use a gripping action at lunch time), and, as I'd bounced up the stairs I remembered the thing at school where people always yell that you shouldn't run with a pen in your mouth or with scissors in your hand. I was then whisked away into another reverie where I could see myself falling backwards on the stairs with a look of shock on my face, spoon handle still in my mouth and arms flailing as I blindly tried to grip at something to stop me from falling. I then saw myself lying crumpled at the bottom of the stairs sort of dead with a spoon handle jammed into the roof of my mouth and either out of my eye or into the base of my brain (yeah, my own demise - hysterical. These flashes only lasted for about 6 stairs. Wonder if I achieved some sort of ridiculous reverie record). I, of course, shared this with my bewildered colleague who really didn't see what was so funny and I agree, it wasn't really funny but y'know, it sorta was. You should have seen the look on my face as I was falling - BRILLIANT!

She then, in a flash of weird paranoia (this is what my place of work is like) said I can't die on the stairs as they'd all think she'd pushed me. I agreed and said I would therefore intend to live and I'd blame her only no one would understand what I was saying as I'd have a big fuck-off hole in the roof of my mouth. As I impersonated how I'd sound, my colleague was busy worrying about how she'd get the blame for it all and said I would still be able to write my blame for her down and then she'd lose her job. I totally love the fact my mid-morning insanity spread to another. I am also proud that I recognise that my mind hasn't been right today. Hello, I'm Sketty and today my mental health is a bit fragile in a freaky rather than sad kind of way!

So, after lunch time my twitchiness continued and I shared with my original (and complicit) work colleague that I often fantasise about throwing myself to the floor and screaming loudly over and over whilst twitching and flailing about. She agreed that this would be lovely. I then asked whether, when she's dealing with an arsehole or someone really moaning and it saps your will to live, whether she's ever suppressed the desire to just flash her vadge at them by way of a response before just walking away. She laughed and said that it would be brilliant.

Then, to be serious we discussed that these were the thoughts of proper crazy people and that the only thing that set us apart was our 'self control chip'. We're both hypochondriacs so we then spent the rest of the afternoon silently worrying that as we grew older our 'chips' might start to fail and then we would genuinely become like those people who walk around town shadow boxing at the heavens, flashing our 'lady garden areas' at strangers or randomly shouting or laughing. Or, right - the 'chip' might just fail during times of stress and we would (I say 'we', on reflection, I was doing most of the talking and my colleague may have been humouring me. Nah, she was right there with me!) just do it at work and wreck our careers!

Bloody hell, I got debts and she wants a new car!

Mental Health Colleague started to bite her bottom lip with worry and said that we'd get taken away and put away somewhere. This in fact sounds lovely. Taken away and put in a bed (with Valium? She'd asked, perking up) YES.

"So Sketty, where do you see yourself in 5 years time?"

"Medicated and in a secure unit please!"

Lovely. I hope the dinners are nice.

I now have to discuss why I posted all of this on-line with myself. I think it was cathartic - I needed to get rid of it all just so I can lay the twitchiness to rest. I do actually feel better but I did go to the gym for the first time since just before I went away. It broke my heart but I had to go. I've noticed that over time I've lost weight and toned up somewhat by my stupid tits remain the same ridiculously gigantic size. Stupid tits :(