Me and Diogenes

I know it should be 'Diogenes and I' and it's upsetting my OCD to just leave that title but leave it I will.

HELLO there, so here we are again then eh?  There's so much to tell including my future death festooned in monkeys, the lobster -v- shrimp costume argument, the having to lose at least half my body weight (she exaggerated) in a year and oh, I dunno, the thing I've picked to talk about today! 

...the rest will follow in due course.

So, yeah - gosh, where do I start.  Hell, I'll just jump right in.  Remember about 18 months ago when I went totally nuts and ended up on meds and seeing a shrink?  I did mention that over here didn't I?  I can't be arsed to look back over my previous posts but it was around the time I went totally mental and turned up at someone's 40th birthday party crying and in my dinner covered pyjamas and no shoes?  Yeah, if you are going to do 'break-down' you have to do it in a totally memorable way.  The thing is, the people at the party were so nice they completely ignored these minor details, welcomed me in and gave me food.  I calmed down a little bit - food always fixes me, but was gently lead to see my doctor the next day.  The upshot was that together with the meds I had to 'see someone'.  Someone who wore Hush Puppies to be precise. 

Back to the present. 

(I pulled myself out of the mire by the way......well, I thought I did.  That, it would seem, remains to be seen!)

So, I'm sitting in my litter strewn car waiting for a heavy rain shower to stop.  A piece of paper had fallen out of my bag and in my boredom I picked it up and after a cursory glance realised it was some notes I'd made at one of the 'Hush Puppy' sessions.  It was weird, I'd pretty much forgotten everything that had been discussed and I think I only attended twice before buying the bald dog and feeling much better.  The piece of paper had stuff written on it which Mr Hush Puppy had told me were his early thoughts about what I'd told him about myself and how I was feeling/behaving and he'd told me to go away and Google this stuff so we could discuss it at our next meeting.  I remember that I couldn't be fucked to do it so cancelled the next sesh  and as you know, Derek the bald dog turned up next.

I'd written one phrase at the bottom of the page.  One phrase which the Hush Puppy guy had said was very significant and I needed to look into it for discussion.

The phrase?

DIOGENESE SYNDROME

I Googled it in the car and told my housemate (The Tidiness Nazi) about it when I got home. 

Me: .....so, what do you think?  That cheeky Hush Puppy wearing bastard INSULTED ME!

Tidiness Nazi:  So he said you are on the foothills of developing some sort of squalor and self neglect syndrome?

Me: YEAH, the cheeky bastard!  Granted I can admit that some of the symptoms listed ring slightly true - the whole apathy, social withdrawal and lack of shame thing.  That's got me ALL over it but the rest can fuck right off!

T.N: It says something about poor reasoning and stupid decision making too doesn't it?

Me:  ....your point being?

T.N:  Oh, I don't know.  Shall we start with the plan to dress up and climb the Himalayas dressed as a fucking lobster despite being a lazy fucker who hates walking or doing pretty much anything?  Then there was your plan to become a worm baron with the largest worm farm in the whole of the UK?

Me:  That was an eco venture!  It's not my fault the worms turned out to be scary.....

T.N: Well, I think that the fella might have had a point.

Me:  ....how rude!


So I called my mate Bison in order to get some proper sympathy and reassurance that I wasn't permanently broken!

Me: .....so what do you think?  I've been properly insulted!

Bison (can barely talk for laughing): Ha ha ha ha ha, you've gone wrong and it's official!  You've got a 'syndrome' named after some ancient Greek bloke who went nuts and lived in a barrel!  You'd LOVE to live in a fucking barrel, go on ADMIT it!

Me (not helping my case): I will admit that after reading that bit I did get lost in thought about how snuggly and cool it would be to sit in a massive fuck off barrel on a big soft cushion with a blanket over me just listening to the conversations of other people in the street without them knowing I was there....

Bison (still laughing!!):  This is hysterical.  Some bloke told you to look into a syndrome he was concerned you had started displaying tendencies towards and you couldn't be arsed, which is one of the symptoms and now you are offended?  HAH HAHA HA HA HA HA HA....you've joked you were going to end up as a crazy old lady

Me:  ....shit. 

Bison: Just remember, I'm supporting you through the medium of laughter (starts laughing again)

So next I spoke to my cousin Bakes who, when I told her about Diogenes, pissed herself laughing too!  What the hell's wrong with 'Team Sketty'?  They're shit man! 

Me:  I should go and punch that bastard in the face for saying that I was turning into a Crazy!

Bakes:  .......(long pause)......isn't that one of the symptoms?

Me:  Shit.....


So there you go, 18 months ago some bloke decided I was on a slippery slope towards turning into the type of person who might walk around town dressed weirdly with a bald dog in a pram collecting newspaper with which I could wrap up and neatly stack my own faeces.  Well guess what Mr Stupid-Hush-Puppy-Know-It-All?  I've applied for the funding through the Cycle to Work scheme to get a bicycle with a basket on the front to put my bald dog in SO THERE!

...and on a totally unrelated note - here's a picture of the lobster (or possibly shrimp) outfit I'm getting: