Oh God.
It would seem that she smelled a horrible smell and followed the trail to MY room where she discovered a HUMAN SIZED TURD. Not only that but there was a river of piss too!
I'm sure that things like this don't happen to other people as often as they do me. Well, if they do, everyone else is keeping quiet about it.
Bastards.
So, who committed the shit crime, eh? Let's examine the evidence
Was it my small freak of a dog Derek Ghengis Rasputin Trotsky?
Well, his house-training has been hit and miss and it HAS been raining today. The bald, freak HATES the rain but no, it couldn't be him. He is tiny and yes, as the picture suggests, he was mugged for cheese by a girl. I am lead to believe that the aforementioned turd was so big it would have ripped this suspect's anus apart.
So, could it be the hairy idiot dog Lottie (The Kraken) Hairy McFairy?
Yeah sure she's big enough to produce a giant turd but I have knowledge I wish I didn't of the turdly dimensions produced by this creature. I would stand up in a Court of Law and state, hand on heart, that she doesn't shit human sized shits. She is also fully house-trained and has been for a couple of years.
Hmmmmm.....then maybe it was Twigletti-Spaghetti Victor-Spinetti Serengeti (Dr X)
Well, for a start she's definitely a cat so would a cat's arse be able to evacuate something so big? She's getting on a bit, has mental health issues (day time agoraphobia - don't ask) and therefore a tendency to crap in the house. As I refuse to pander to her craziness she is not allowed a litter tray and is therefore encouraged to go out and shit. This usually results in a crap found in the shower. She has left shower gifts on and off for years now so why would she switch locations to my bedroom? Perhaps she hates me. Then again, cats have tiny arses don't they?
Perhaps it was Julie Gerbie?
...are you MAD? It's a fucking gerbil!
.....could it then have been....
That'd be ridiculous. ALIENS traveled thousands of light years to take a crap on my bedroom floor? Perhaps it's a message for humanity.
Perhaps it was just the Universe sending messengers to tell me I'm an arse hole and the turd was what the Universe as a collective thinks of me.
That leaves ONE person. ONE prime suspect. I'm typing this and can hardly believe it myself!
Of COURSE I didn't crap on my own bedroom floor!
BUT my unhelpful/destructive inner voice, our old friend 'MY INNER ARSE-HOLE' has found an opportunity to tell me I have early on-set dementia and that I have no memory of squatting down in my room and crapping because I've lost my mind. My Inner Arse-hole is loving it and loving placing that small seed of doubt in my mind. I mean I know I didn't do it. Of course I didn't do it but what if? What if there really IS something wrong with me and I'm losing my grip on reality? What's the alternative? The Tidiness Nazi found it so it wasn't her and it wasn't any of the pets nor passing aliens. Ghosts don't shit. I bloody HOPE they don't shit, that'd be rubbish in Heaven wouldn't it? Queuing up on a cloud in a line with Cliff Richard banging on about God and fucking tennis. I'd rather be dead....oh wait.
...so that's it. A total mystery. Either a pet has a tardis like bowel, Aliens disrespected me or I've gone mental. Sherlock Holmes once said something profound that I can't remember but it basically confirmed my Inner Arse-hole's assertion that it was I who committed the shit crime. Clearly. Oh God - I've gone mental, I'm incontinent and am experiencing blackouts.
In Samuel Pepys proper diary type news, Margaret Thatcher, Thatcher Milk Snatcher is dead. The toffs are pissed off so many people are happy and celebrating and all the other politicians are pissed off they have to pretend to be nice. What do I think? Clearly she was a remarkable woman with focus and drive. Shame she destroyed entire communities and spread so much misery really. It'll be interesting to see whether anything bad happens when they parade her through the streets.
