So here is my brain spew on the subject of James Bond:
JAMES BOND
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SEXY WOMEN
Always get killed after shagging the man - in weird ways - PAINTED GOLD - who knew being painted gold could kill you? Is it economically viable to cover a whole woman in gold just to make a dramatic point with the price it's currently bringing in? Would you have to give her a good scraping before cashing her in at Cash 4 Gold? Does being covered in gold preserve you like a wedding cake or would you go mushy under the gold? MADE TO DRINK OIL - one was murdered by being forced to drink oil - grandmothers used to make kids drink castor oil - drinking castor oil and shitting yourself to death would not be considered a sexy Bond girl death - I'd still watch that film - I'd probably rewind the shitting scene a few times too
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WENT THROUGH 70'S COMEDIC PERIOD
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NOW VERY SERIOUS
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EVIL GENIUS
Massively furry cat - comedy bald cat - cat owners possibly evil? - Evil Geniuses always seem to have some kind of bizarre affliction or scarred - what does that say about people with disfigurements? It's said that with twins one is always the evil one, what about conjoined twins? Can you become evil by some sort of evil osmosis?
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HENCHMEN
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How does one become a Henchman? Never seen the job advertised - JOB DESCRIPTION "Henchman Required" - who would want to be a henchman? The name HENCHMAN has negative connotations and so may want to be re-named the way 'dustman' was or 'cleaners' or 'Spastics' or something like that - WORK IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE - Island in the middle of the Ocean - leads to marital strife - how would a henchman in a top secret lair get to work every day? Evil Geniuses need to be aware of employment law and cannot discriminate against married potential henchmen, female potential henchmen or disabled potential henchmen - never see wheelchair bound Henchman wheeling themselves along as fast as they could during a chase - would a henchman get post-traumatic stress syndrome after seeing too many horrible deaths? How would one request annual leave or go home whenever they might need to such as to attend their child's parent's evening? Would an Evil Genius think to have an HR department? What would be considered a disciplinary issue which may cause a henchman to get into a spot of bother? Helping the hero out a bit I guess - never seen that happen unless the henchman was a hot woman (leading to the shagging and inevitable weird death) - henchmen always seem to get killed - why would anyone want to be one? Don't they notice they work for the baddie? Do Henchmen come from a pool of lesser evil people? People who failed or scored quite lowly in evil tests - school careers advisers never suggest Henchman to the students despite bullies often surrounding themselves with moronic yes-men who would be perfect to train as a henchman - henchman training school - BSc (hons) in Henchmanology
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LAIR
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Hardly able to keep the lair secret as loads of people would have spotted a skull shaped island on Google Earth - who designs skull shaped islands, certainly not someone from the Capability Brown school of design - not a natural feature - Laurence Llewellyn Bowen would be shit at designing an evil lair - what if the designer has been asked to turn a straightforward dead (can they ever be considered dead?) volcano into a giant evil skull? Supposedly it goes a bit wrong and the Evil Genius isn't happy with the skull face? Would you just invoice him when you'd finished? He'd just kill you when you'd finished wouldn't he? Oh, and all of your workforce who know the secrets of the lair including the location (they have Google Earth) - peel the little man on Google Earth and get him to walk around the lair - always see the same Henchman smiling in loads of shots where he tried to keep ahead of the camera car - this may be considered gross misconduct for a henchman - what if it goes over budget? How would you work out the cost of remodeling a whole fucking Island?
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DEATH
Weird but ultimately slow method of killing their arch enemy which inevitably leads to escape - why don't they just shoot the fucker? Never get James Bond to drink oil, not even Castor Oil which could lead to a long drawn out shitting scene leading to his social death via the medium of shame
