The misery of The Hobbit

Yeah, so I went to see The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.  It's an event innit?  Going to be one of those films that goes down in history as a famous epic.  I think I enjoyed it but my initial one word review had been

'meh...'

...which is wrong.  I wondered why a film which had immersed me so deeply would cause such a shrug shouldery reaction in response.  Then I realised; I'd been too immersed and had gone mental (as usual). Yup, my unhelpful inner voice had ruined the whole fucking thing for me by making me over think.

On the whole, the film had too much happening, from being chased by various hoards of 'things' to being in the middle of angry fucking rocks beating ten kinds of shit out of each other.  I just know that had I been part of the adventurous group I'd have made the whole thing a hundred times worse for everyone.  That's what my brain does, puts me in the middle of stuff but not in a cool way, in an all too real way until the majesty of the thing is ruined.

Of course, after the film my freakish mind had left me feeling a bit traumatised 'cause there was SO much that would have made me mental had I been part of the company. Yeah, I'd be there fancying the arse off Thorin (Richard Armitage) and Kili (Aidan Turner) but I would have wanted them to have seen me as mysterious, windswept and interesting but then I can't do that stuff 'cause I tend to over-share pretty much EVERYTHING that ever happens to me as well as every sodding thought I have.

You can't be mysterious after you've just told a group of Dwarves that you had just had a shit which felt like it had come out sideways.  I'd like to think I wouldn't say stuff like that but y'know, I probably would.  I still tell people I found a dead squashed ant in my pubes once and that was over 10 years ago!  I won't even start with the whole being accidentally startled by my own vagina that time.

Oh yeah.  I just need to say that as a bona fide lady I don't shit or have pubes.  I have no unpleasant bodily functions and forever smell like roses.  I do genuinely go for the Kojak look nowadays so if my pubes had ant killing qualities then I am like a Goddess to them now.  Or an ant Saint.  That'd be shit wouldn't it; Saint Sket of the ants and the story tells how she rid the ants of the tangled murderous, slightly odoriferous jungle of doom and led them to peace and freedom.  Why would I even type that into a blog?  THIS is why I am destined to forever be alone. I bet that arse Samuel Pepys never wrote about dead ants in his nethers. No, he'd be too wrapped up documenting the history of his age and telling future generations about life in his day. Well, I put it to you Mr Samuel bloody Pepys if that's even your real name, the people of MY future want to know about shitting and being a moron in the 21st Century.  Oh yes.  HELL to the yes!

...back to the misery of  Hobbit.  No doubt I wouldn't have been able to find the shoes I wanted to wear and that would be another thing.  See, ol' Bilbo didn't have much warning and if it had been me I'd have wanted to know what kind of weather we'd be expecting.  I mean, who wants to lumber a big fuck-off coat around with them if it's going to be warm - we've all been there and it's a misery.  Also, I wouldn't have expected to need running shoes to escape from all the hoards of ugly stuff trying to kill me!  Who'd even think that?  I'd have put hiking boots on and they rub like all fuckery don't they? There are no blister plasters in Middle Earth, mark my words! Oh god my hair too - it's naturally curly but not in a nice way, in a tangley bird nest way.  It needs proper conditioning or else it just turns into a big horrible mess.  THAT'S not sexy and no way to pull Kili is it? I got a Cockatiel's feet stuck in my hair once and a gerbil another time. I'm vegetarian too but I don't like onions.  I'd have been a right misery just banging on and on about my arse hurting on my hairy pony, being hungry, not being able to see 'cause I didn't bring enough contact lenses with me, my hair being a mess, being paranoid that Thorin and Kili were actively trying to keep their distance from me, being borderline hysterical 'cause things were attacking us and once we'd escaped SOMETHING ELSE having a go at killing us.  I'd have shin splints from all the running and heck, I'm not fit enough for all this shit. I'd have also been the one complaining that the giant Eagles should have taken us to our final destination not just dumping us on a rock where we could just SEE the fucking mountain.  Lazy feathered bastards.  Yeah, and in Lord of the Rings, if Gandalf had access to giant fuck off eagles, why didn't he get them to give Frodo and Sam a friggin lift straight to Mount Doom? Yeah, it would have shortened the trilogy quite significantly but that's not the point.  I'd have been bloody livid.

So yeah, I think, between you and me, my Wizardly and Dwarven companions would have turned on me themselves after a day.

...and that's why I didn't enjoy The Hobbit as much as I should have

Grumptitude

Bloody hell.  Even I'VE got on my own nerves just lately and my extreme grumptitude and twitchiness culminated yesterday in 2 separate people buying me presents in an attempt to appease me!  My pal Bison, when he heard, likened the situation to primitive tribes people making offerings to an angry deity!  How rude!  He then went on to wonder why they don't seem to appreciate that I'm some sort of PRINCESS!  Again, HOW RUDE!  Just 'cause I demanded he make me a crown for Christmas.  I have a vision of me wearing it when I perform stand up.  Of course, I wouldn't make reference to the fact I'm wearing a crown 'cause it would be the most natural thing in the world for me.

I guess you will be wanting to hear about my appalling behaviour now.

This isn't an appalling bit but a couple of days ago I had to visit a family at home.  A nice family in fact, but as I got up to leave their 12 year old son sort of launched himself and flung his arms around my waist, giving me a gigantic hug!  Well, I have a fear of being touched at the best of times and this situation made me turn proper mental.  I made a sort of forced high pitched laugh and at speed said

"Oooh, I don't get hugged very often.  Never in fact.  Actually, I'm more likely to be found diving out of the way as people drive at me at high speed!"

What the hell was I talking about?  For.God.Sake! 

...that hasn't happened for AGES now.

I then sort of stumbled out of the house, still giggling in a weird forced, high pitched manner, got into my car and nearly crashed.  See?  I've gone wrong - someone only has to be nice to me for a split second and I turn into bumbling idiot!

The next day I was in a near fatal, terrible car accident.  Before I tell you about that I have to share my worries about ants.  Consider the ant.  When one comes into your house or something and you let it out somewhere else, does it find it's way home or does it try to move in with new ants.  If I transported an ant to another town and released him what would happen? Where would he live?  Do they have their own hollows within their colony or do they just curl up together?  Would they know he was an out of towner and shun him or would they sort of say hi (in ant language).  I dunno, I just worry.

So yeah, the car accident.  It was a weird one.  The car was covered in frost and I just sort of leaned in and put the key in the ignition to get the de-frost thingie going.  Unfortunately it shot to life and hit the wall, still making a high pitched revving sound and dragging the front of the car along the house.  SHIT!  I only had one bum cheek in the car at this point so I quickly got in and turned the steering wheel away from the house but then it shot forward, hit a stone post, sped across the pavement and into the main road.  As the car was still totally iced over I could see nothing as I sat trying to regain control over the runaway vehicle.  I have an outstanding memory of being in a beautiful white cave but traveling at high speed whilst trying to stop.  Eventually I did stop it, half in the road and half on the pavement.  When I exited the car I saw a woman with a car full of children with her eyes on stalks sort of stalled in the middle of the road.  I'm bloody lucky I tell you.  Kids pass my house to go to school - didn't hit one of them or any other pedestrian, I missed the woman in her car, the row of parked cars on the other side of the road, the HOUSE on the other side of the road and a large street sign.  Furthermore, I didn't get to put my seat belt on and could have gone through the windscreen.  Bloody hell!

I still don't know what happened.  I never leave my car in gear and I'd have had to have my foot on the accelerator.  All I can assume is that it wasn't fully out of gear and popped back in and that as I wasn't sitting in the seat properly I perhaps did press the accelerator.  That or else the car is possessed.  My last car was possessed and it eventually tried to kill me in a fiery ball. 

As for the grumpiness, yeah, I've been grumpy, twitchy and confrontational.  So confrontational in fact that one of my work colleagues bought me a Hello Kitty toy after I had turned my grumptitude on her yesterday.  I actually called my housemate (the Tidness Nazi) to warn her that I was pretty much evil.  She promptly went out and bought me some baby gerbils!  She knows I love and miss having little gerbs around.  They cheered me up no end.

Today I was less grumpy, more twitchy and I ended up throwing myself to the floor a number of times and lying there pretending to be dead.  My colleagues declined my request to draw a chalk mark around me.  I eventually got back up and pulled my dress up over my head in an act of disrespect and defiance.  Between you and me, I even mooned at some of them when I felt they were being mean and un-supportive.  I can see that this isn't proper behaviour for a lovely lady like me but when I'm twitchy I can't control myself. Y'know, I don't think I can be trusted to wear a dress....