Anti-Christ Kettner

The conversation kinda went like this:

...Oh, I need to say there is a bit of over-sharing at the beginning and for that I apologise.

...back to the conversation.  It kinda went like this:

ME: Oy, I'm late for my [insert female monthly biological process].  I'm never late so clearly I MUST BE PREGNANT!

Colleague: ...but you haven't had sex have you?

Me:  Well, no but there can be no other explanation can there? Blimey, I'm actually going to be a Mother!

Colleague: ...so are you telling me it's the Second Coming and that you are in fact carrying the new Messiah or something?

Me: Faaaack, yeah I'll be FAMOUS.......hang on though, isn't the Second Coming supposed to be the anti-Christ?

Colleague: ....erm, I dunno.

Me: I'm almost certain that the Second Coming is supposed to be bad in some way.  It's supposed to herald the end of the World or something........do you think I'd still qualify for Child Benefit?

Colleague: ?

Me: Well,  if I gave birth to a kid who heralded the end of the world I'm guessing everyone would be massively pissed off and I might get denied my rightful entitlements!!!

Colleague: Erm, I don't think the Benefit Agency would be allowed to discriminate and, well,  it would be up to them to prove that your kid was going to bring about the end of the World as we know it.  I'd be inclined to not offer up that kind of information if I were you.

Me: YEAH! ....and if it turns out he's red or something I might be able to qualify for some kinds of disability benefit for him.  How funny would it be to push yer red kid about in a pram and watch all the other mothers and old ladies recoil in horror.  Oh God, I hope he has head horns too, that would be hysterical.

...Of course, at this point I got lost in thought at the prospect of my bald red child.  I kinda hoped he would get the head horns.  Oh God, what if he had HOOVES!  Where would I even be able to get shoes for the poor little fucker, I'd have to get him shod but then Children's Services might have something to say about me getting someone to nail metal onto his feet.  I'm a bit of an old hippy and I'd want to dress my child 'Anti Christ' up in tie dye and ecologically friendly clothing but I guess that'd be a bit of a piss take if he's going to end everything.  There'd be no point in following any worthy causes.  Then again,  me being me I'd probably accidentally instil in him a cracking sense of procrastination and inherent laziness.  I mean, who can be arsed to bring about the end of the world when there are pyjamas to be worn and beds to slob around in.  Ending the world sounds a whole load of energy, planning and evil.  I can do the evil (I had to sack my Lettings Agent recently and I could hear myself being a bastard to him - actually I'll tell you about that in a minute).  So yeah, for all my personality faults I'd actually become the ultimate heroine who does genuinely save the entire planet!  Let no one diss my extreme slobbery, lack of motivation and ability to convincingly look dead when I don't want to do something.  All of this will be YOURS my son!  I hope my inevitable worshippers embrace my bed based philosophy.

*****Ok, quickly - the idiot Lettings guy - let's call him Jonathan, has taken 2 months to tell me that people like the size of the upstairs of the house but think the downstairs is too small.  He didn't seem to get it when I pointed out they are exactly the same fucking size.  Anyhoo, I returned to the house which is on the other side of the country to me only to discover huge spots of black oil all over the newly cleaned carpet.  I called him up

"Jonathan, I don't know who you've been showing around my house; the fucking Tin Man or some kind of leaking Android but there is black oil all over the carpet and I'm actually livid"

"Erm, it was probably a bird which had flown down the chimney"

"What, and then it flew vertically back up again?  Stop shitting me Jonathan"

The upshot was he tried to blame some mystery person who might have had keys to the place.  That person could only have been me as there were no other keys out there.  Why do people try to treat me like I've had a brain injury?  Sorry, did I pull up in a Sunshine Coach and start licking the windows?  No, so take your fucking sign down and give me the keys back.  The new Lettings company have found someone within a week.  (shakes head in wonderment)


and that's it.  Oh yeah, I wouldn't REALLY call my son 'Anti-Christ'  He'd definitely get beaten up every day at school and that might fill him with a feeling of rage and vengeance which might undo my laziness training.  I'd probably call him Trevor.  I don't like the name but you would NEVER read about an evil entity called Trevor

Star Trek and other inappropriate musings

So, I share a house with a sci fi 'anorak' which translates as  sci fi dork.  She particularly loves Star Trek Next Generation and it has become apparent that I have absorbed some of her 'anorak-icity' through some sort of osmosis. I'm guessing I've accidentally seen too much and have already started to worry and concern myself with stupid crap.  My concerns/thoughts include:

• Worf the Klingon - I was looking at Worf's head arrangement and in particular the great fucking crack thing down the centre of it.  C'mon, that HAS to attract dirt and debris   How does it get clean? It's a pretty tight face crack and well, I guess it can't be easily cleaned which would suggest it spawns bacteria and therefore stinks.  The thought of it and the face-cheese which must grow in it actually makes me feel a bit sick.  He's a big bloke and I've already inappropriately thought about the enormous Klingon dick he probably has but hell, who wants that when his face stinks like sour milk?  Klingon's? They can fuck right off!

• Deanna Troi - a right bleedin' liability!  If anyone is going to become possessed, and she is pretty much possessed every week,  and try to kill the rest of the crew it's going to be her.  I'd tell her to fuck right off if she tried to counsel me. Her boobs are too hard and sticky out any way.

• Being a general pleb on board - Every. Single. Epsiode the ship ends up going to red alert with all the alarms going off.  I recently got lost in thought wondering how I would feel as just a general worker pleb type crew member wandering around doing shit low level work on board.  Every other fucking day the alarm goes off - you'd be a nervous wreck wouldn't you?  I'd be weeping like a shitty baby, my hand would be a claw, I'd be bald and I'd be too terrified of the Ship's possessed counsellor to get any therapy.  I suspect I wouldn't be cut out for Star Fleet.  I could hear my pitiful voice whining  "....fucking hell, the alarms are going off again" and then picturing myself running up and down the corridor screaming that we were all about to die. Of course, I'd have been wrong - the new bloke on the Bridge would die and everyone else would be safe.  Fuck, that's one promotion you wouldn't want isn't it?

In other inappropriate musings, I was advised, at 8:34am that I had dried dinner on my clothes.  There's nothing like caring about your appearance eh?  Later on, as I was fuelling my car, I noticed the CCTV and started to worry about how I would look on the news if this was the last sighting of me.  The sci fi anorak would have to give a description of me to police which would include food stained clothes and an over-sized Parker coat which makes me look like I'm off on a polar expedition.  When they find my body they'll also discover I am wearing Cookie Monster drawers.  I would go down in history not as a sexy young thing but as a fucking Crazy Cat Lady in the making.  I then worried about what the Coroner would list as my stomach contents and wondered whether it would be read out in the Court - I'd chewed up a false nail and eaten the dried glue, I'd also eaten part of a plastic robot, crisps, goats cheese, cake, sweets, diet coke (how dare I?) and some porridge.  Fuck me, if it's found that I hadn't been murdered it would most likely be registered that I'd died of fucking Scurvy or Ricketts.  A shameful and pitiful diet.  When I got home I ate some lettuce just so they'd find SOMETHING green inside me.  Of course, I hope I don't end up murdered or dead in a weird and bizarre manner but you have to be prepared.  I'll tell you about my hiding places should an armed madman burst into the house next time.....

IT LIVES

Yes, it's been a while hasn't it?  A bloody long while but heck, here I am back like a bad penny.  What is a bad penny any way?  Don't answer that, I just Googled it and apparently it's a counterfeit penny that you need to try to dump on someone else sharpish.  There you go, bet that nobber Pepys was never as informative as this!  Then again, he'd have been on the ball and given an accurate historical account of the opening ceremony of the London Olympics.  I can't be arsed - we've got telly now; Future People - watch that!

So, where have I been? Well, I sort of went totally mental and had a break down complete with medical intervention.  Yay me - I guess we all have to lose our minds at some time.  Fortunately I've now swapped the Prozac for this:

-  Derek

 Yeah, Derek.  I am currently in the process of re-launching the ol' stalled due to madness comedy career with this bald freak as my partner. Here's the plan; I'm learning ventriloquism so we can argue and he can voice a re-jigged version of my inner arsehole posts from over here.  I figure your pets see the stuff you wouldn't want anyone to know and if I can get him to wear a foil hat with an antenna we'll be cooking on gas!  This plan is almost as good as my worm farm one.  Yeah, that was the plan to have a Sketty's Eco-Worm Emporium bucket of worms in EVERY household.  Problem was, when my own worms arrived I very nearly shit myself - they weren't the passive lovely brownish calm English worms I was used to - they were ANGRY looking red things from Australia.  Fuck me, I almost had nightmares, and so ended my dream of becoming a millionaire worm farmer...

So, I'm guessing you nosy bunch of buggers want to know what caused the ol' breakdown.  Well, I'll try to tell you in such a way so as not to sound too much like a drag.  In fact, let me quickly post another picture of Derek to make you laugh first:

...Well, I went back home at Christmas knowing my Mother was feeling a bit tired and crappy so it would be a quiet affair.  She was dead within a month.  Shocking enough in itself but we'd been to Niagara and New York visiting rellies in October and she'd been fine.  Cancer.  So that left me with no parents, no siblings, no bloke or kids of my own.  It's a sobering moment to realise you are, in essence, totally alone in the world.  Hang on, before this gets too maudlin let's have a Derek break...

Greedy thieving little bleeder

So, here we are - a diary of comedic musings and I've just killed the mood.  Ok, I am happy to share the funny side of the death of my Mother with you.  I tried to do this before now but at last I am ready and I hope people can appreciate that whilst death is tragic for those left behind, in all darkness there is humour to be found.  My top 3 moments of misery laughter, in reverse order:

3.  When I was finally told that the end was near myself and 3 of my cousins held an overnight vigil.  We'd been told there were probably only hours left so we sat alert around the medical bed which was downstairs in the living room.  We were waiting for the end to come and so spent hours reminiscing about funny family shit to pass the time. As the night drew on and we all got more and more tired the talk ran out until we were all just sitting in the semi darkness in silence.  It was tense, detecting every change in her breathing and holding her hand.  Suddenly the silence was punctuated by the sound of THE most enormous fart I've ever heard.  There was a gasp of horror as the other 3 people in the room looked from my Mother to the only guy in the room who was looking sheepish. 

"Oh my God, RAY!"

"Erm, I don't even know what happened, it just sort of came from nowhere.  I almost feel I was possessed"

"Possessed by a fart?"

"Well yeah, perhaps Grandad's spirit is here and took over my body....."

Not only was that THE single worst excuse for a fart that I have ever heard, if true, it is one possession they never experienced on Most Haunted.  After the solemn atmosphere had been broken,  one by one the remaining Watchers felt able to let off gigantic farts of their own.  We prayed that my Mother was in a sleeping state and could neither hear nor smell the room in which she lay.  It was terrible, our eyes were stinging, our nasal passages were burnt and we had been laughing at each and every arse trumpet that came out.  It was like a scene from Blazing Saddles.  Farts are so funny, even during tragically sad times. My Mother would have loved being heralded to the next life by a host of heavenly farts.....

2.  Just before things got too bad my Mother spent a lot of time sleeping on the sofa in the living room.  I'd lay sprawled on the floor lost in my own misery watching TV.  One night the comedy channel I'd been watching ended and I couldn't be bothered to reach that extra few inches to grab the TV remote control to find something else to watch.  To my horror an 'Info-mercial' started and I was trapped and forced to watch it!  Here's the thought process of a grieving person watching an info-mercial:

"Fucking Zumba........Zumba can fuck right off..........?........hmmmm they're dancing like they're in Dirty Dancing......fucking Zumb-that's quite cool actually........she used to be FAT?.......wow, look at her......it tightens your core muscles and pulls in your stomach?......AND it lifts your tits?......doing work out DVDs at home is sad....then again, what else do I have to do all day?....Awwww, look at my poor Mom sleeping.....Y'know, I could do this stuff 'cause she sleeps pretty much all day....(lost in reverie at visions of myself moving like the staff kids in Dirty Dancing when Baby first sees them....hell, I'm so thin!  I'm smiling!  I'm HOT).......what, if I buy it tonight I get loads of extra things?......weights.......A BHANGRA dance work out?........."

That simple offer ended the reverie for me.  My Mother had become much more intolerant of many things - especially racial as she got older.  I  was struck by a vision of  her waking from the peace of the sleep her poor body had provided only to find her daughter enthusiastically bhangra dancing in the house - doing the whole arm and hand movement stuff!  She'd have thought she had died and gone to her own personal hell or was having some sort of morphine induced nightmare!  I still laugh at the thought of me - so white and without rhythm - dancing with real enthusiasm and a big smile all dressed up in brightly coloured clothes from the Punjab whilst my mother watched on in horror.

...I was bloody good too (in my own mind)

1.  Ok, this is the ultimate nightmare death of a loved one scenario but you know something?  I can laugh now.  We're going back to the vigil group.  The nights were made up of the 4 cousins and the days had other family members coming and going.  Despite having been given just hours to live my darling Mother lasted a few days.  This toe curling nightmare happened at her death.  Oh God, WHO would be a family member or pet of mine...... 

The core group had their places and as the tiredness grew we all, at certain times dropped off to sleep but tried to ensure that someone was always awake should the end come.  There were bars on the bed and I fell asleep with my face on the bar and woke up looking like I'd been in some sort of industrial accident at one point.  This wasn't the nightmare, just something I remembered.  My cousin Lisa had bought a sun lounger in from the garden shed to lie/sit on at one side of the medical bed.  We'd also got dining chairs and other bits of stuff to sit on.  No one could really get comfortable but we didn't care.  Day had come and the core 4 refused to leave.  Of course I was one of them and so I was going nowhere but the other 3 had invested so much time and emotion into staying up with Mom that no one wanted to go anywhere in case the time came.  That said, we all got up and stretched our legs etc. when other people turned up.  It was about mid-day and a few people were there.  I came back into the room and noticed that my Mom's eyes were opening very slightly.  Letting out a gasp I  loudly told everyone that I thought she was waking up.  Everyone in the house came running over to the bed but the second I'd called out I realised that her eyes were opening a little because her muscles were relaxing as death took her.  I ran straight to the side of the bed and leapt onto the sun lounger. 

...only, I landed knee first with my full weight at the edge right where the spring is attached to the frame.  The spring shot away from the frame and I was catapulted head first into the face of my dying mother.  As this happened I screamed

"FUCKING HELL!!!!"  

Yeah, I shouted 'FUCKING HELL' right into the face of my Mother as she was gasping her last.  I then burst into tears, held her hand and wept loudly (and comically) "I'm so sorry I shouted fucking hell at you Mom, I didn't mean it".  It was like something out of a bad comedy.  She then died, the peaceful atmosphere everyone had striven to create with pleasantly scented oil burners and the comforting music of Andrea Bocelli in the background being drowned out by an idiot Brummie with a voice like a fog horn screaming profanities in the poor woman's face just as she left this mortal plane.  Nothing like moving on to the next life in peace is there?

Like I say, WHO'D be a relative, friend or pet of mine eh?  No wonder I went mental.

Bye Mom, I miss the fuck out of you......

BTW: There have been many things which have amused me over the past 7 months of which I'd wanted to write only I felt I had to explain my absence first and I didn't have the strength to do it.  Now I've got all this off my chest I can resume normal business.  Hope I haven't depressed the shit out of you.