In short, tonight I had cause to remember one of my past 'life experiments' and for some reason I thought I'd share this memory with you guys tonight. I'd class this as the experiment which went the most horrendously wrong too. Not wrong in the Marie Curie 'oh shit, I've given myself cancer' type way, more of a Brundlefly - body of a man, head of a fly type of 'wrongness'. In other words, a sort of 'so THIS happened to you and you haven't even got anything good to give to the world from it'.
I don't have the head of a fly by the way. I think it's wise we get that clear from the start. I know that this is the internet and heck, a lot of us hide the way we really look and who we really are on this thing but believe me, I'm not a half fly person vomiting up acid onto my dinner so I can suck up the goo. I don't have an affinity for standing on shit either.
I'm babbling already - sorry. I've been advised to start reducing the length of my blog posts as they've been deemed too long by one comedy agent who believes people don't have the capacity to read too much brain spew in one go, so back to the reminiscing.
People who have followed my writings for years and read previous blogs which I've now lost on-line will remember this story, it's one of my more famous acts of cretiny and just remembering it tonight made me cringe a little bit. Heck, I DO have the gift of shame!
Y'know, (she said, deviating from the point slightly) both my cousin 'Bakes' and I have a weird thing where we have to do stuff we both know is stupid but we HAVE to know what it feels like or whether it truly IS as stupid as we suspect it is. It usually is stupid and it must be genetic 'cause we're the same. Sisters from different Mothers in fact. Recently we had a bonfire in her back garden. She'd been banned from going to the top end of her garden when her Mother wasn't home after having another fire and then falling down a hole and near busting her ankle. Anyhoo, with this ban in place we still had a fire when her Mother was away but had no 'pokey' sticks. She ran off and came back with some really short wooden fencing which not only set on fire pretty much straight away, but was so short the skin almost melted from my face when I leant in to poke said fire. She then came back with some copper piping. I did question the wisdom of using metal in fire as it kinda conducts heat but we both decided 'fuck it' as the pipe was the perfect fire poking length. So YES it got so hot it was difficult to hold whilst retaining fingerprints and YES I was foolish enough to put the pipe to my ear and exclaim that I could hear the fire and it was amazing but enough of that, it's time to reminisce.
.....imagine fog descending and 'going back in time' music playing over it.
So, I was manager of a charity/thrift shop type thing and on the day in question it was pissing rain, the town was empty and I'd got no volunteers who wanted to come out and play. I was alone with an over-active mind prone to bizarre thought patterns and had spent the afternoon opening bags of donation stock.
Unfortunately, on this day I'd been going through literally hundreds of bags of total junk - from stinky clothes best left in the 70's to broken and chipped china cups. As we'd had a lot of rain recently many of the bags were damp and so the whole lot reeked. Still, I was alone, singing along to the radio and hoping to find treasure. I opened yet another bag of old crap - it looked like all which was left from an elderly person's room from a Retirement Home or something. It contained worn hand knitted cardigans, an old and stained piss bottle and an open box of incontinence pads. Niiiiice. What every charity needs; a lovely bottle which once contained piss.
So, I continued my quest. Cameras from the 60's (broken), dolls with one eye, vile looking ornaments which no one should EVER have formed from clay and fired, shit from ancient holidays in Tenerife, boxes with shells fucking glued to the lid (with bits broken and missing) and I dunno, Readers Digest books which had been abridged until they were practically pamphlets. You get the picture....
It was at this point I realised I needed to pee and really should have gone half an hour ago. My bladder felt as though it would burst. It was at this point that I made my fatal and stupid (read - VERY stupid) decision. In my defence though, there was a bloody good song on the radio, my bladder was at bursting point and the bathroom was a corridor way.
...Oh, and the Gods had sent me a present
'Let's see how well these bad boys work' I thought to myself whilst grabbing the box of incontinence pads. As I say, this was purely for future reference. Laziness had NOTHING to do with it - I was a scientist at this point (cough).
I slipped one into my pants and tried to release my bladder. The muscles resisted in a kind of 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN' MAN?' way but I was adamant that this was one experiment I needed to know the results of.
After what felt like an age I got my bladder to release and the piss came.
...and came
...and came
...and continued to come
It was like the Red Sea (yellow in this case) closing back in after the parting! It was a urinary flood of BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS; A TSUNAMI OF PISS EVEN!
It was like the Red Sea (yellow in this case) closing back in after the parting! It was a urinary flood of BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS; A TSUNAMI OF PISS EVEN!
...oh and by God it was everywhere; down my clothes, soaking my legs and even in my hair for some reason and still I couldn't stop. The pad had long since washed away, useless against the tide. Eyes closed and with cold horror sweeping over me I realised that yup, I'd done it again! I managed to gather all of my muscular strength and rein in my bladder to dam up up the river. Who knew that an adult could hold so much piss? I certainly didn't! Hell, I know we are all made up of something like 70% water but this was ridiculous. I must have lost 62% right there and then. I should have looked like someone from a bad sci fi film who'd been keeping themselves unnaturally alive for centuries before the hero stops them and they just fall to the floor, go all mummified before turning to dust and blowing away. Where does that small bit of wind come from any way?
I cleaned myself up as best I could and went down to the shop where the Tidiness Nazi was helping out. She'd wrinkled up her nose and made some comment about being able to tell I'd been going through stinky bags of crap so I quietly disclosed what had happened. Well, foolish me for thinking I'd get an iota of sympathy - she burst out laughing and ran away whilst likening me to the crazy old homeless guy who sleeps on the beach. PAH, friends, who needs 'em.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS EXPERIENCE
i) NEVER to confess something like this to another person.
ii) NEVER to think that bodily functions are good to experiment with.
I spoke to someone else about my experiment and he basically told me that incontinence pads are for drips - not for a full adult bladder, and any sane person would realise this.
sigh....
i) NEVER to confess something like this to another person.
ii) NEVER to think that bodily functions are good to experiment with.
I spoke to someone else about my experiment and he basically told me that incontinence pads are for drips - not for a full adult bladder, and any sane person would realise this.
sigh....
Oh, I'd like to add another learning point:
iii) It's probably best not to reminisce about this sort of thing and remind everyone that you pissed everywhere at work once.
...so much for keeping it short eh?
