The misery of The Hobbit

Yeah, so I went to see The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.  It's an event innit?  Going to be one of those films that goes down in history as a famous epic.  I think I enjoyed it but my initial one word review had been

'meh...'

...which is wrong.  I wondered why a film which had immersed me so deeply would cause such a shrug shouldery reaction in response.  Then I realised; I'd been too immersed and had gone mental (as usual). Yup, my unhelpful inner voice had ruined the whole fucking thing for me by making me over think.

On the whole, the film had too much happening, from being chased by various hoards of 'things' to being in the middle of angry fucking rocks beating ten kinds of shit out of each other.  I just know that had I been part of the adventurous group I'd have made the whole thing a hundred times worse for everyone.  That's what my brain does, puts me in the middle of stuff but not in a cool way, in an all too real way until the majesty of the thing is ruined.

Of course, after the film my freakish mind had left me feeling a bit traumatised 'cause there was SO much that would have made me mental had I been part of the company. Yeah, I'd be there fancying the arse off Thorin (Richard Armitage) and Kili (Aidan Turner) but I would have wanted them to have seen me as mysterious, windswept and interesting but then I can't do that stuff 'cause I tend to over-share pretty much EVERYTHING that ever happens to me as well as every sodding thought I have.

You can't be mysterious after you've just told a group of Dwarves that you had just had a shit which felt like it had come out sideways.  I'd like to think I wouldn't say stuff like that but y'know, I probably would.  I still tell people I found a dead squashed ant in my pubes once and that was over 10 years ago!  I won't even start with the whole being accidentally startled by my own vagina that time.

Oh yeah.  I just need to say that as a bona fide lady I don't shit or have pubes.  I have no unpleasant bodily functions and forever smell like roses.  I do genuinely go for the Kojak look nowadays so if my pubes had ant killing qualities then I am like a Goddess to them now.  Or an ant Saint.  That'd be shit wouldn't it; Saint Sket of the ants and the story tells how she rid the ants of the tangled murderous, slightly odoriferous jungle of doom and led them to peace and freedom.  Why would I even type that into a blog?  THIS is why I am destined to forever be alone. I bet that arse Samuel Pepys never wrote about dead ants in his nethers. No, he'd be too wrapped up documenting the history of his age and telling future generations about life in his day. Well, I put it to you Mr Samuel bloody Pepys if that's even your real name, the people of MY future want to know about shitting and being a moron in the 21st Century.  Oh yes.  HELL to the yes!

...back to the misery of  Hobbit.  No doubt I wouldn't have been able to find the shoes I wanted to wear and that would be another thing.  See, ol' Bilbo didn't have much warning and if it had been me I'd have wanted to know what kind of weather we'd be expecting.  I mean, who wants to lumber a big fuck-off coat around with them if it's going to be warm - we've all been there and it's a misery.  Also, I wouldn't have expected to need running shoes to escape from all the hoards of ugly stuff trying to kill me!  Who'd even think that?  I'd have put hiking boots on and they rub like all fuckery don't they? There are no blister plasters in Middle Earth, mark my words! Oh god my hair too - it's naturally curly but not in a nice way, in a tangley bird nest way.  It needs proper conditioning or else it just turns into a big horrible mess.  THAT'S not sexy and no way to pull Kili is it? I got a Cockatiel's feet stuck in my hair once and a gerbil another time. I'm vegetarian too but I don't like onions.  I'd have been a right misery just banging on and on about my arse hurting on my hairy pony, being hungry, not being able to see 'cause I didn't bring enough contact lenses with me, my hair being a mess, being paranoid that Thorin and Kili were actively trying to keep their distance from me, being borderline hysterical 'cause things were attacking us and once we'd escaped SOMETHING ELSE having a go at killing us.  I'd have shin splints from all the running and heck, I'm not fit enough for all this shit. I'd have also been the one complaining that the giant Eagles should have taken us to our final destination not just dumping us on a rock where we could just SEE the fucking mountain.  Lazy feathered bastards.  Yeah, and in Lord of the Rings, if Gandalf had access to giant fuck off eagles, why didn't he get them to give Frodo and Sam a friggin lift straight to Mount Doom? Yeah, it would have shortened the trilogy quite significantly but that's not the point.  I'd have been bloody livid.

So yeah, I think, between you and me, my Wizardly and Dwarven companions would have turned on me themselves after a day.

...and that's why I didn't enjoy The Hobbit as much as I should have