One of my colleagues (let's call her KB) told me that she'd nearly contacted me over the weekend as she and her partner had been 'collecting swarms'. At this point I should probably mention they keep bees.
Before she could continue I felt myself grow taller as I rose to the challenge (which hadn't even been revealed to me at this point). Excitedly, I asked whether she'd needed me to collect bees in my van:
I don't think I really heard what she said as in my mind I could see myself driving along with a whole bunch of bees flying around the inside of my van and a giant smile on my face. Of course, in my mind they were fluffy cartoon bees. I must have said something about having a gang of bees in the van but KB laughingly told me that the bees wouldn't be loose, they'd be in a box.
On reflection, this was obvious if not slightly disappointing. Then KB told me I'd have to have a sign in the window stating that we were carrying live bees in case we were involved in a car accident and someone wondered what was in the box and opened it. Again, my mind was lost at the vision of some poor sap, in a comedy voice asking himself out loud what was in the box and then screaming as a swarm of angry bees who had been in a car crash flew out at him and covered his head as he staggered around shrieking. I decided that even if I did not ever carry a gang of bees I would need a sign that, at the very least, said BEE RESCUE SQUAD. Can one lone idiot be a squad?
Well, following THAT exciting statement, KB upped the stakes by advising she'd thought of me as I'd lately become a qualified Crime Scene Cleaner (I've kept THAT one quiet haven't I?) so would be used to wearing protective gear. Eh? "Well", said KB, "you'd have to wear the full bee keeper gear as you drove in case the bees escaped!"
Oh wow, I could barely contain myself as it was confirmed that the hat was included. Again, I was lost in thought. This time the cute fluffy cartoon bees had been replaced in my mind by a gang of really angry bees. I could see me driving along with other drivers looking on in horror and amazement at the enormous number of bees up the windows and flying all over the inside of my van. What would people think? I'd be driving along, bizarrely still smiling to myself, with a cloud of really angry bees flying around my head. I'd be paying no attention to the internal situation within my van for I AM THE BEE RESCUE SQUAD and nothing phases me.
Foolishly I shared my excitement with my mate Bison and we discussed how cool it would be if I became a mysterious loner travelling the country solving crime with an angry bee posse, or if I just traveled the roads with one bee in a box who would be my friend. I wondered whether picking one bee up and driving it around before releasing it back where I found it would fuck with the bees standing in the hive. Would the other bees consider him a lazy bastard bee for having been out all day but returning home with no pollen? How would a bee communicate to the others that he'd been kidnapped by THE BEE RESCUE SQUAD and taken on a nice day out? It's something I'll need to think about. Bison said that he thought I should crash KB's swarm collection with a dog cage and a net shouting that no one should worry as THE BEE RESCUE SQUAD was on the case now. I reflected that KB and her partner possibly wouldn't appreciate this. How disappointing.
....I still might need to get some cards printed stating that I was the BEE RESCUE SQUAD even if I never carried a bee ever. I feel I might need a flashing light for the roof of the van too.
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