Grumptitude

Bloody hell.  Even I'VE got on my own nerves just lately and my extreme grumptitude and twitchiness culminated yesterday in 2 separate people buying me presents in an attempt to appease me!  My pal Bison, when he heard, likened the situation to primitive tribes people making offerings to an angry deity!  How rude!  He then went on to wonder why they don't seem to appreciate that I'm some sort of PRINCESS!  Again, HOW RUDE!  Just 'cause I demanded he make me a crown for Christmas.  I have a vision of me wearing it when I perform stand up.  Of course, I wouldn't make reference to the fact I'm wearing a crown 'cause it would be the most natural thing in the world for me.

I guess you will be wanting to hear about my appalling behaviour now.

This isn't an appalling bit but a couple of days ago I had to visit a family at home.  A nice family in fact, but as I got up to leave their 12 year old son sort of launched himself and flung his arms around my waist, giving me a gigantic hug!  Well, I have a fear of being touched at the best of times and this situation made me turn proper mental.  I made a sort of forced high pitched laugh and at speed said

"Oooh, I don't get hugged very often.  Never in fact.  Actually, I'm more likely to be found diving out of the way as people drive at me at high speed!"

What the hell was I talking about?  For.God.Sake! 

...that hasn't happened for AGES now.

I then sort of stumbled out of the house, still giggling in a weird forced, high pitched manner, got into my car and nearly crashed.  See?  I've gone wrong - someone only has to be nice to me for a split second and I turn into bumbling idiot!

The next day I was in a near fatal, terrible car accident.  Before I tell you about that I have to share my worries about ants.  Consider the ant.  When one comes into your house or something and you let it out somewhere else, does it find it's way home or does it try to move in with new ants.  If I transported an ant to another town and released him what would happen? Where would he live?  Do they have their own hollows within their colony or do they just curl up together?  Would they know he was an out of towner and shun him or would they sort of say hi (in ant language).  I dunno, I just worry.

So yeah, the car accident.  It was a weird one.  The car was covered in frost and I just sort of leaned in and put the key in the ignition to get the de-frost thingie going.  Unfortunately it shot to life and hit the wall, still making a high pitched revving sound and dragging the front of the car along the house.  SHIT!  I only had one bum cheek in the car at this point so I quickly got in and turned the steering wheel away from the house but then it shot forward, hit a stone post, sped across the pavement and into the main road.  As the car was still totally iced over I could see nothing as I sat trying to regain control over the runaway vehicle.  I have an outstanding memory of being in a beautiful white cave but traveling at high speed whilst trying to stop.  Eventually I did stop it, half in the road and half on the pavement.  When I exited the car I saw a woman with a car full of children with her eyes on stalks sort of stalled in the middle of the road.  I'm bloody lucky I tell you.  Kids pass my house to go to school - didn't hit one of them or any other pedestrian, I missed the woman in her car, the row of parked cars on the other side of the road, the HOUSE on the other side of the road and a large street sign.  Furthermore, I didn't get to put my seat belt on and could have gone through the windscreen.  Bloody hell!

I still don't know what happened.  I never leave my car in gear and I'd have had to have my foot on the accelerator.  All I can assume is that it wasn't fully out of gear and popped back in and that as I wasn't sitting in the seat properly I perhaps did press the accelerator.  That or else the car is possessed.  My last car was possessed and it eventually tried to kill me in a fiery ball. 

As for the grumpiness, yeah, I've been grumpy, twitchy and confrontational.  So confrontational in fact that one of my work colleagues bought me a Hello Kitty toy after I had turned my grumptitude on her yesterday.  I actually called my housemate (the Tidness Nazi) to warn her that I was pretty much evil.  She promptly went out and bought me some baby gerbils!  She knows I love and miss having little gerbs around.  They cheered me up no end.

Today I was less grumpy, more twitchy and I ended up throwing myself to the floor a number of times and lying there pretending to be dead.  My colleagues declined my request to draw a chalk mark around me.  I eventually got back up and pulled my dress up over my head in an act of disrespect and defiance.  Between you and me, I even mooned at some of them when I felt they were being mean and un-supportive.  I can see that this isn't proper behaviour for a lovely lady like me but when I'm twitchy I can't control myself. Y'know, I don't think I can be trusted to wear a dress....

Grumptitude

Who the frig am I kidding? I've just had an 'Effervescent B-Active Orange flavoured tablet' which says it is rapidly absorbed to support a busy and engergetic lifestyle. I've lain around the ferkin' house all day doing sod all. I haven't been to the gym in over a week and I actually caught myself in the week saying (out loud) that I couldn't wait to go home so I could go to bed.

Lazy bitch

Y'know what aggravates me? That advert for First Direct bank which shows some idiot child pretending to talk like a whale at school and the teacher tells her off for always talking too much. The point of the advert is that this idiot child goes on to work for First Direct where she talks to customers all day and that First Direct should be applauded for hiring people who love to talk and give customer service. To me, the point of the advert is that the aggravating idiot child did nothing but fucking talk all day at school and therefore ended up working in a call centre.

Here's another thing. They just advertised Piers Morgan's interview with Susan Boyle. Jesus Christ, she looks like the Witch of the Waste from Howl's Moving Castle and how is anyone supposed to sit and listen to her bizarre voice for an hour or however long the show is on? You can barely understand a word she says and she's proper WEIRD. I am starting to conclude that her 15 minutes are NEVER going to end. Wonder if I have time to find a Betting Site which will give me good odds on some contrived question coming out which will make her cry like a shitty baby. I reckon it'll be a re-hash of her sudden decision to announce that at some stage in her life she tried to off herself. Purleeeeeese.

Ok, ANOTHER aggravation. Another ad too. That one for Perle De Lait yoghurts. The woman with the pretend French accent screws her face up into a proper gurn to tell us that she used to eat sour yoghurt and that it was horrible but then she found Perle de Lait and that's lovely so she's well pleased with herself. Why would you eat anything that was so bloody horrible it made you look like that? Just stop eating the fucking yoghurt. Eat a turd of shit instead love, I bet it makes you wince but won't taste as bad as you'd have us believe the sour yoghurt was. Jeeeeeez, adverts nowadays, they must think we're all a bunch of morons.

Ok, now to complain about my stupid tits again. Y'know, I wear a bra and suddenly it's too big so I get a smaller one. This one presses the buggers flat to my chest and I can't breathe so I get one the same size as the one that was previously too big. THIS one won't do up around me. Wha? WHY? Have I got some sort of 'Manimal' transformation taking place within my body that it is a significantly different size every sodding day? I had to go to a party thing last night and wore a halterneck dress. Having stupid big tits I had to get a strapless bra for the occasion. The cup size is the only thing that remains constant in my weird breast scenario. Well, previously, last night the bra swamped them to the extent I could have got both in one cup. STUPID tits.

I'm in a right bad mood today. Got a headache, woke up with a false eyelash stuck to my brow and god only knows where the other one got to. Put my contact lenses in and was rendered blind! Then I realised I'd again slept in yesterday's pair. Having 2 contact lenses on one eye is weird. One corrects the vision, the other uncorrects so I guess that's puts me back to square one. If I'd put a third lens on then I'd be able to see again. Perhaps I'll try that tomorrow. It'll look like a telescope on each eye but hell, it's something to do innit?