The Fly

I tried on sunglasses today. It didn't go well; I just ended up looking like The Fly so I guess I'm going to have to stick with my old ones which makes me look like one of the Blues Brothers and that look hasn't been acceptable since the 80's.  Damn me and my stupid face...

So, talking about The Fly, the Tidiness Nazi told me the horrifying story of a fly she heard buzzing hysterically which had been caught up in a spider web at the lighthouse she works at.  I'd already had thoughts of flies in my mind from the sunglasses thing but now I was thinking about THE FLY - Brundlefly himself.

Oh, she couldn't reach the high window to save the aforementioned hysterical fly and by the time she'd found a towel to flick up he/she had fallen silent by the way.  No doubt it was victim to a spider's venom (shudder) unless it had fainted.  Can a fly faint?

Y'know, my friend Bison is a  weirdo - I made a random fly type comment a few months ago and he quickly and confidentially shared his knowledge on how one would sex a fly (for those emergency fly sexing situations no doubt).  Who the hell knows how to sex a fly and why would you share this knowledge with a girl? I KNOW now know how to sex a fly; I should stick it on my CV.  That's knowledge I could do without I tell you! I guess ol' Bison has gone past the trying to be sexy and impressing people stage.  Perhaps he thought this WOULD impress me.  Most men flex their muscles, give you 'the look' or charm you by trying to be cute.  Not Bison though, oh no.

He can sex Damsel flies too.

He also likes taking photos of insects having sex.  In fact, my pal Bison is the foremost insect pornographer of his age.

I love my friends

(mostly)

So, back to Brundlefly.  When the Tidiness Nazi told me the story of the hysterical fly it suddenly reminded me of the original 1958 version of The Fly and that horrifying scene at the end with the bloke's head on the fly's body trapped in the web.  Stuck with me for years that did.  Of course, I ended up in a Fly reverie and I got lost in thought longer than one should thinking about what it would be like to be me but on a fly's body.

Oh God.

I'd be phobic of myself for a start.  Can you imagine still having your own thoughts and looking like you facially but having the body of a fly.  At least I wouldn't have to worry about putting on make up.  I'd have no opposable thumbs for a start but hell, I'd still have the same face and it looks pale and I have dark circles around my eyes without make up.  I'd desperately want to use some concealer, mascara and a bit of lippy but then again, I'd have the fucking body of a fly so no one would care about my facial blemishes.  I guess I'd have more on my mind really....

I guess though, in an emergency, I'd be able to seek a lipstick without it's lid on and fly at high speed into the thing hoping it'd get on my lips.  Shit, I've made myself laugh now, how funny would the end of the film be if the guy who saw the fly stuck in the web shouting 'help me' did a double take 'cause the fly had not only my face but one of those crazy woman make up faces on it. Y'know the type; a diagonal smear of pink lipstick over crooked lips and 2 splashes of electric blue eye shadow over the eyes.  Then again, if I'd flown head first into lipstick I'd look ridiculous.  I'd look ridiculous any way with my tangled hair and hairy fly body.

I'd be able to fly about but this would be a small compensation for being a fucking fly.

Hey, I'd be a fly but without the huge field of vision.  I'd be screwed wouldn't I.  I also wouldn't be able to get a fish pedicure.  I'd LOVE a fish pedicure.

All joking aside though, it'd be awful to be mainly fly.  Flies don't have necks do they? Our heads are the wrong shape for a fly body and if, during the 'fly-erisation' process thing I became a neckless fly I'd be even more screwed. No great eye vision and no neck to turn around and look over my shoulder. I guess flies don't have shoulders. Anything could creep up and potentially eat the shit out of me.  I'd end up as just indigestible bits left in a web; a lone wing and a leg. No one wants THAT!

That does it.  If any scientists expect me to get into an experimental transportation device accidentally with a fly they can fuck off and that's my final word on the matter.

I'm tired.