Another Humiliating Experience

This happened Thursday just gone and well, I've only just been able to gather the mental strength to talk about it.  When 'the thing' happened I didn't mention anything to anyone for the first few hours as I was traumatised and mentally scarred from the whole situation; a situation which has led me further towards the realisation that I am losing my ability to interact with the human race.  I KNEW hermitude was the only way to go.

Before I tell you, I have to share another phenomena I've discovered.  One that I've realised happens too often when I'm trying to share humiliation with people:

SCENARIO ONE - On phone to my Mother

Me: Oh God Mom, I've had a terrible experience today, I.....

Mom: ...You've shit yourself?

Me: No, I haven't bloody shit myself, I....

Mom: You've farted!  You farted in front of someone!

Me: NO, I haven't farted in front of anyone

Mom: (sounding more than just mildly disappointed): Oh, go one then.  What did you do?

Scenario Two: At home with Tidiness Nazi Housemate/Best pal:


Me: Oh my God, you'll never believe what I did today

Tidiness Nazi: (sounding mortified): Oh God, you didn't shit yourself did you?

Scenario Three: In Office to 'Mental Health Work Colleague':


Me: I've gotta tell you what happened yesterday

Mental Health Work Colleague: You didn't shit yourself again did you?


?

Again!

No, for everyone who doesn't automatically think I regularly shit my pants.......oh hang on, before we go on, and on the subject of pants, I have to say that I have been recently disturbed by the fact that I have TWICE suffered the discomfort of pants up my backside (hungry arse syndrome I believe it's called) with pants normally thoroughly comfortable.  Upon a visit to the ladies powder room (us ladies don't have bodily functions y'know; we emit a perfumed powder) I discovered I'd put my pants on back to front.  TWICE!  Now, I like to have comfortable nethers, it's all part of having a happy day, so this recent development is somewhat disturbing.  Can one just develop 'Pant Dyslexia' or something? In my defence, I have an 'interesting pants' obsession and will just buy pants that vaguely amuse me.  The 2 pairs I seemed to have difficulty with had a cartoon print going all the way around so perhaps it's nothing more than sloppy dressing during the misery that is morning.  The pants in question? A Wonder Woman pair and a Superman pair.  I actually threw the Superman pair away 'cause once I'd turned them around they were still uncomfortable - crotch part not wide enough.  Like I say - one HAS to have comfortable nethers to make it through the misery that is the working day.

So, back to the story.  Since I broke my traumatised silence I have told EVERYONE I have met and they have all cringed - even the Capital Radio breakfast show guys.  I think the reason I have spilled my guts so much is that I am seeking someone - ANYONE who will offer comfort and say that it wasn't THAT bad.

 Thus far, no one has.

Right, here we go.  On Thursday I had cause to go out and deal with something accompanied by a uniformed police officer.  We vaguely know each other and so there was a bit of light hearted banter in the police car and he's a nice bloke. Once the issue was dealt with we returned to the police station and as we pulled up he got another shout to go out and deal with something else.  Things sort of went like this:

PC: Oh, that's a shame; I was going to invite you into the nick for coffee and some cake.

Me: (gutted to be missing out on cake): Oh maaaan, cake?  You've got cake? In these austere times you've got cake in there? That would have been lovely too. I could just go some cake.

We both then walked around to the back of the police car (now parked in the police station car park) and at this point, I don't really know what happened.  Perhaps he took an extra step towards me, I dunno, but I was suddenly gripped with the belief that he was coming in to HUG me?  As you may already know, I have a bit of a fear of human contact and do my best to avoid all humans (and pets actually) as much as possible.  I felt my face flash between horror and 'oh my God, this is really happening!' and made the unconscious decision to act like a proper human being rather than a broken, mentally damaged fool, and so I stiffly stepped towards him with my arms out to receive the aforementioned hug.

At this point HE looked horrified and I realised with blood draining horror that HE WASN'T GOING TO HUG ME AT ALL!!!!!!

Clearly the guy now felt obliged to hug this moronic Brummie short-arse of a girl with shit hair which had been recently dyed a bizarre colour.  FAAAAAACK.  He went in to receive the hug with a combined look of shock and confusion on his face (we were both at work and this is not how one says goodbye after a professional meeting!). God only knows what the PCSO in the van thought OR said to him once back in the nick.

This was the stiffest, most uncomfortable hug of my entire life.  You think that's the worst bit?  You'd be wrong.  In his horror, he kinda turned his face towards me a bit.  On reflection, this was probably for something of an answer as to why I was demanding a hug from him after a simple joint visit somewhere, but I was in' total 'human contact phobia' mode and my phobic brain, upon seeing his face turn towards mine screamed 'OH MY GOD, HE'S GOING IN FOR THE CHEEK KISS TOO!"  at me.

Oh god, I can barely type this any more.

I'll type it quick

....I started to pucker up to kiss him back!

Luckily, he managed an uncomfortable cheek bump instead.  What must he think of me?  Perhaps he thinks I'm a raging nympho or that I was coming on to him?  How can one explain to a person that they are losing their human social skills and had been overcome with the thought of cake when they threw themselves into their arms and sort of demanded a kiss?  Oh God, I keep coming over all cold when I think about it.  I've had humiliations in the past, bloody massive ones but at least they've been pretty private and mostly anonymous.  This one was with a great big copper in uniform with whom I often have to work.  He had to bend over to hug me too 'cause I'm like some sort of sub-normal Hobbit.  Y'think Samwise Gamgee was a bit of a moron.  Meet me, his idiot sister.