The Blue Ear

If you are a regular reader of my drivel then you will be aware that I surround myself not with sycophants (which would be great) but with hypochondriacs.  If only I could find a bunch of sycophants of my own I wouldn't have to lumber myself with the bunch of arseholes lovingly known as 'my friends (and bits of family)'.  Yep, these people believe themselves to have every life threatening disease on the market (is there a disease market?).  My mother is the best; she's convinced she has both Progeria (congenital disorder which makes you age rapidly) AND Prader-Willi (disorder which causes obesity).  I argue that she's just a greedy old git. 

So, 'Mental Health' work colleague (MHWC) and I were discussing the latest life threatening disease she is facing.  MHWC is still convinced that she has some sort of arm cancer which had in fact been better a few days ago but was now hurting again.  I think we both have a major fear of cancer (there's been loads in my family.  Dunno her excuse) but to be fair, she has started running again recently and so I asked whether it was possible the pain was related to this but no, it's clearly cancer just in the lower part of one arm.  I told her about a weird pain I'd experienced in one of my ears (oh yeah, I consider myself amongst the bunch of arseholes I mentioned earlier) and we, for a moment, had the same thought; who gets pain in one ear?!!!!

Ear cancer!

I reflected miserably that with my luck I'd have to have my ear amputated and would then have to have a cheap NHS replacement which wouldn't match my skin tone.  In fact, if it was an NHS ear it would probably be a cheap blue molded rubbery thing.  My head fell to my chest in misery as I thought about the box of blue ears that the doctor would bring out.  In my mind I saw him holding various specimens to the side of my head and stepping back in order to see how they each looked.  Hell, I just knew they wouldn't have my size and I'd have to have a large 'man' ear until they could track down a replacement.  I later discussed these fears with my pal Bison who told me the blue ear would probably come with a rubber band which would snap around my head to keep it in place.  He then fell silent as if in contemplation before venturing that it would almost be worth having his own ear amputated just so he could have a giant blue ear of his own. 

Y'know, I bet they only have left ears in that box and I'll need a right ear.  I'll have to wear the thing upside down until they find me a lady ear won't I?  Sometimes it's just shit being me...

Oooh ooh, something else to tell you - I was walking down the street yesterday when a bloke stopped to tell me I was beautiful!  Clearly he was either a lunatic or 'played a mean pin ball' if you get my drift.  I tried to carry on walking but he sort of held my arm a bit and asked to look at my eyes properly (!)  I was so appalled I didn't have time to engage my appalled face (think of the great white hunter type with the shrunken head at the end of 'Beetlejuice')

Sket's appalled face



He then told me how much he loved my curly hair.  Clearly my internal 'fuck off' vibe machine was malfunctioning and therefore I was left to deal with the situation myself.  Shiit.

I just sort of let out a ridiculous high pitched laugh, paused and then lamely told him that I once got a gerbil trapped in my hair.

Faaaaaaack.

Still he wasn't put off and shared a story with me about how one of his fish got caught up in some weeds he'd put in the tank.  WHY WAS I HAVING THIS CONVERSATION?  I tried again to escape but he asked my name (like a prat I told him!!!!!), he took my hand, kissed it and I ran away shouting over my shoulder that he was very charming!

I'm never going to have sex again am I?