Heaven

So, due to the coalition Government and their cutbacks to public spending I've been saved from my ridiculous and nosy Jackboot Army intentions. Basically, I did actually pass that 5 hour assessment but they decided to only take those who'd passed with a much higher score which I missed by 2%. The most hysterical thing is, according to the feedback, the thing that made me lose marks was the fact that I clearly demonstrated that I didn't really give a shit about people and wouldn't say sorry!

SAY SORRY?

SOD THAT!

The role-play scenarios were based around me being a customer services person having to deal with complaints and issues. I, as I think many would, have a problem with apologising for stuff that clearly isn't MY BLEEDIN' FAULT!

....and that's why I must pursue my comedy career. I don't have it in me to be 'nice' to people which I guess is a requisite when it comes to public service. Blimey.

The only problem I have with the whole comedy thing is funding my travel from the back of bleedin beyond.

BUT, I may have solved this problem with a new business idea.

GINGERBREAD HITLERS!!

Everyone who's seen 'em love's em so let's see if the wider population love and buy them. Bought black icing for the uniform today although I think ol' Adolph wore a bit of a khaki coloured suit. I'll call the business Tasteless Tasties and work on a Sadam Hussain (with detached head) and possibly an Osama Bin Laden but that one might get me killed. That'd be embarrassing, a Jahad on me for dissing Osama.

So, Heaven - yeah. I'm writing a new set about how Heaven is going to potentially be a bit shit if we're not allowed to be ourselves properly. My idea of pure Heaven would involve me carrying my shit-list around with me, searching out celebs and people who've pissed me off and telling them that they what they really need to do is to to learn to fuck right off. I'd start with Cliff Richard, the pious bastard. Problem is, a short slightly dumpy girl telling him to fuck off might spoil Cliff's Heaven experience. There'd be questions asked and then the stupid Saints would get involved and who needs the opinion of some 13th Century twat who was probably murdered by people sick to fucking death of all of his bleating about God? They just wouldn't understand that these 'celebs' who get everything and think the world owes them something NEED to be told what for and it'd absolutely MAKE my afterlife if it could be me.

...actually, I might not make it to Heaven after all.

P.S. in the spirit of Pepys I should have documented stuff in the news. I completely missed out on the Raoul Moat thing (gotta love Gazza for turning up to an armed seige with a dressing gown, beer and a chicken), Snooker player Hurricane Higgins was found rotted into the carpet and covered in flies, the robbing bastard banks have made billions of profits but aren't going to be paying us back after we bailed them out of their mess.